Jokes and Stories

The Photographer and the Pilot

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of
a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good
shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane
was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind
and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and
make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

What Are The Dogs In Fire Engines For?

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
    
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

Then a third child brought the argument to a close...

"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Things my Mother taught me

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
 
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking?  Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
 
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU...
then you'll see what it's like. 

Exhausted

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair
before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a
comforting word.  "My you look tired," she said.  "You must have had a
hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said.  "The computer broke down and all
of us had to do our own thinking." 

Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out the lights!

The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes
in it.

Your child has started growing up when he stops asking you where he
came from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going.

You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put
on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off!

Ahhhh, what is a home without children? PAID FOR!!!

The Flu

A young boy called the pastor of a local Baptist church to ask the
pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the
flu. The Baptist pastor knew the family and was aware they had been
attending a Church of Christ down the road.  The Baptist preacher
asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Sims down at the Church of
Christ to come by to pray with your mom?"

The young man replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that
he might catch whatever this is that Mom has."

New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."  So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.  At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He
proceed to talk up a storm.  Upon return to his office after mass, he
found the following note on his door:

1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2.  There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3.  There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.  We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7.  The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
      Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
     don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
      and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks
       for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
       not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Most of the jokes and stories on this page are courtesy of
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